It is recommended the young politician not embark on any endeavor of public spectacle until he or she has acquainted themselves with the following list of conventions geared toward making their efforts utmost profitable. Failing to follow these simple rules could result in significant carbuncles, warts and vaporous discomfort. (In other words – the following is the first installment in a list of Gooseberry’s rules of politics.)
1. Things are neither as good nor bad as they seem.
If it’s happened once, it’s happened a thousand times -- a concerned citizen has just received an email instructing them to call their Congressman to warn them, unless they act right now, someone else is going to: die, lose their land, lose their home, lose all chance of livelihood, pass a kidney stone, allow all the babies in (pick your third world country) to starve, drown New York City in melted ice caps, kill the polar bears, end the free world as we know it, kill democracy, allow teenagers to run promiscuously rampant through the streets, cut down Ferngully, eat fast food, wear last year’s fashion, and so on and so forth. The next call tells the Congressman, if they act in a different way on the same issue that: cancer will be cured, everyone will get warm fuzzies, freedom will break out in Tibet, Timmy won’t fall in the well, our economy will suddenly be strong and will continue that way for the next eleventy-billion years, grandma will not have to choose between her heating bill or buying her medication.
The truth is there are no silver bullet proposals. No matter what is put forward, someone is going to benefit and someone is going to feel pain and neither is likely to result in heaven or hell. Reality falls somewhere in the middle, in a mundane place where neither angels nor demons tread. A place kind of like Montana.
2. Life always works out, even when it doesn’t.
In January 1997 three people were killed after flood control levees in Northern California failed to hold back a sudden inundation of snow melt caused by early warm rains in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. It was a horrible tragedy that never should have happened. Construction permits on the levees had been held up for several years waiting for the US Fish and Wildlife Service to provide consultation on potential habitat for the infamous endangered elderberry beetle which possibly, might, could, someday maybe decide to move into one of the elderberry bushes that literally had sprung up like weeds on parts of the levee. California Congressman Wally Herger introduced a bill that would have exempted flood control structures, like the levees, from consultation under the Endangered Species Act so they could be operated and maintained consistent with their original purpose to prevent this kind of tragedy from ever happening again. The bill went down in flames.
Western Republican Congressmen were livid, particularly because it was one of their own, a Republican from New York, that killed the bill. The day after the debacle, the congressmen marched into the speaker’s office and demanded retribution. At the same time the congressmen were shouting and yelling at Newt Gingrich, Speaker Gingrich’s staff pulled in committee staff and the staff of Congressman Herger to find a way to mend the fences ripped apart by the failure of the Flood Control and Family Protection Act of 1997. It was at that moment that I realized exactly how much fun working on Capitol Hill could be. “I have this bill called the Quincy Library Group Forest Health Act that I think everyone can get behind,” I heard myself say. The Speaker’s staff grabbed onto the bill and helped push through the first environmental bill to pass Congress in more than five years.
There are many ways to say the same thing. Look for the silver lining. Every time one door closes another opens. Thank God for unanswered prayers. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Just because you’re going bald doesn’t mean you’re not still sexy (ok, maybe that one is a stretch. But you get the idea). One of the best ways I recently heard it put is “Come what may, and love it.”
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
McCain or Obama
My wife and I noticed we were running a little low on “Fiscal Conservatism” the other day so she sent me out to the local Ideology Mart to see if I couldn’t pick up a case or two before we ran out.
“And see if you can’t get more ‘Higher Moral Values’ while you are at it,” she said as I walked out the door. “We have teenagers in the house and we really need to stock up right now.”
“Yes dear. I would love to,” I said, happily using some of the “Cooperation” and “Politeness” she had just picked up through a mail order from our Social Contract Catalog.
When I arrived at the market I could see it was busy with its usual hubbub of activity.
The First Amendment aisle was packed. It had its usual confused mix of conflicting customers. On the one hand was a group of men clamoring for their “Rights” to view whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted – but mostly things late at night, at home alone, on their computers; and next to them were their mothers, spouses and respective church leaders purchasing shopping carts full of “Limitations” that would keep the men from actually being able to use those “Rights” – especially late at night, at home, alone, on their computers.
The Education section was busy with a sale on “School Choice” and I saw that “No Child Left Behind” was piled up in the clearance section. “Just like any other bestseller,” I thought, “give it time and it will be moved out for the next cause du jour.”
I noticed the Capital Punishment aisle was fairly quiet (except for the Texas Regional Issues section, of course) and that Medicare was surprisingly vacant of anyone under the age of 55. (You don’t want to know who was hanging out in the “Return to the Gold Standard” aisle some images are just better left unshared.)
“Can I help you?” an Ideology Mart salesperson asked.
“Yes,” I replied. “I am looking for ‘Fiscal Conservatism’ and ‘Higher Moral Values.’”
“We moved those issues into our special combo pack area. You can find them under the Partisan Bundle section”
“Combo pack area? Partisan Bundles?”
“Yes, the Political Beliefs Police have determined certain items can only be purchased in combination packs or bundles and cannot be acquired individually. For example, if you purchase ‘Right to Bear Arms’ you must also purchase ‘Oppose Abortion,’ ‘Pro-Hunting and Sportsmen’ and ‘Anti-Immigration,’ which of course only comes with a healthy heaping helping of ‘Oppose Gay Marriage.’”
“Really, so what is ‘Climate Change’ bundled with?”
“Would that be ‘Belief in’ or ‘Skeptical of?’”
“Belief in.”
“’Belief in Climate Change’ goes with just about everything nowadays, except of course ‘Higher Scientific Standards.’ ‘Skeptical of Climate Change’ can only be purchased in conjunction with ‘Pro-Domestic Energy Development,’ ‘Pro-Corporate America,’ ‘Anti-European Sentiment,’ and ‘Anti Minority.’”
“Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that if I want to be skeptical of Al Gore I have to be opposed to minorities? Some of my best friends are minorities? I happen to think minorities are hurt more by ‘Belief in Climate Change’ than anyone else.”
“I’m sorry, but that is just not allowed. According to the Political Beliefs Police, if you buy one ideology, particularly one espoused by a prominent political party, you have to buy the whole bundle with no exchanges allowed. As the sign says, these are packaged ideological deals, not a smorgasbord of beliefs.”
“So if I ‘Support the Troops’ I also have to ‘Oppose Barack Obama’ and ‘Support Increased Government Spending? Don’t those two cancel each other out?”
“Technically, ‘Support the Troops’ is a Lipservice Ideology and can be bundled with just about any belief out there, and with the way the Republicans are piling on with pork barrel spending, there is almost no difference between ‘Opposing Barack Obama’ and ‘Opposing John McCain.’ In fact, if you want to know the truth the only difference between our ‘Obama 08’ and ‘McCain for President’ products is the package. Although they are each trying to tag the other with extreme positions, they both have virtually the same content.”
“But what if I have a basement filled with ‘Support the Troops’ that I inherited from my father (a distinguished veteran of the Korean War), and I have several cases of ‘Limit the Federal Government’ that I picked up during the Reagan years.”
“Well you will have to trade one of those in. According to the Political Beliefs Police you cannot make your own matches and you must subscribe to the bundles provided by the political parties or else you will find yourself labeled as a fringe thinker which will give you absolutely no currency to purchase any new ideologies in the political economy.”
“This is absurd. Who are these Political Beliefs Police anyway?”
“The pundits, media, outspoken political hacks.”
“What about the silent moral majority?”
“They’ve been a little more than silent ever since the John Kerry debacle when the pollsters got the entire outcome of the 2004 elections wrong by only catering to their own followers. The silent moral majority turned out in droves to vote for George Bush, but since then were shamed and embarrassed by the Political Beliefs Police who piled on based on poll results from those same pollsters.”
“My goodness, I had no idea things had gotten so bad. Who is in charge now?”
“That’s the beauty of it all, no one knows, and everyone is too afraid of all the other baggage they have to take on for standing up for any single idea. But I’ll tell you what, since you have a large family at home I think I can sell you the ‘Fiscal Responsibility’ and ‘Higher Moral Values’ you want, but only if you are willing to buy them with ‘Spay or Neuter Your Pets’ and ‘Recycle.’ Your kids will bring them home from school anyway so you might as well stock up now.”
“Great. I’ll take it.”
“Will that be cash or charge?”
“Put it on my credit card, of course.”
“And see if you can’t get more ‘Higher Moral Values’ while you are at it,” she said as I walked out the door. “We have teenagers in the house and we really need to stock up right now.”
“Yes dear. I would love to,” I said, happily using some of the “Cooperation” and “Politeness” she had just picked up through a mail order from our Social Contract Catalog.
When I arrived at the market I could see it was busy with its usual hubbub of activity.
The First Amendment aisle was packed. It had its usual confused mix of conflicting customers. On the one hand was a group of men clamoring for their “Rights” to view whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted – but mostly things late at night, at home alone, on their computers; and next to them were their mothers, spouses and respective church leaders purchasing shopping carts full of “Limitations” that would keep the men from actually being able to use those “Rights” – especially late at night, at home, alone, on their computers.
The Education section was busy with a sale on “School Choice” and I saw that “No Child Left Behind” was piled up in the clearance section. “Just like any other bestseller,” I thought, “give it time and it will be moved out for the next cause du jour.”
I noticed the Capital Punishment aisle was fairly quiet (except for the Texas Regional Issues section, of course) and that Medicare was surprisingly vacant of anyone under the age of 55. (You don’t want to know who was hanging out in the “Return to the Gold Standard” aisle some images are just better left unshared.)
“Can I help you?” an Ideology Mart salesperson asked.
“Yes,” I replied. “I am looking for ‘Fiscal Conservatism’ and ‘Higher Moral Values.’”
“We moved those issues into our special combo pack area. You can find them under the Partisan Bundle section”
“Combo pack area? Partisan Bundles?”
“Yes, the Political Beliefs Police have determined certain items can only be purchased in combination packs or bundles and cannot be acquired individually. For example, if you purchase ‘Right to Bear Arms’ you must also purchase ‘Oppose Abortion,’ ‘Pro-Hunting and Sportsmen’ and ‘Anti-Immigration,’ which of course only comes with a healthy heaping helping of ‘Oppose Gay Marriage.’”
“Really, so what is ‘Climate Change’ bundled with?”
“Would that be ‘Belief in’ or ‘Skeptical of?’”
“Belief in.”
“’Belief in Climate Change’ goes with just about everything nowadays, except of course ‘Higher Scientific Standards.’ ‘Skeptical of Climate Change’ can only be purchased in conjunction with ‘Pro-Domestic Energy Development,’ ‘Pro-Corporate America,’ ‘Anti-European Sentiment,’ and ‘Anti Minority.’”
“Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that if I want to be skeptical of Al Gore I have to be opposed to minorities? Some of my best friends are minorities? I happen to think minorities are hurt more by ‘Belief in Climate Change’ than anyone else.”
“I’m sorry, but that is just not allowed. According to the Political Beliefs Police, if you buy one ideology, particularly one espoused by a prominent political party, you have to buy the whole bundle with no exchanges allowed. As the sign says, these are packaged ideological deals, not a smorgasbord of beliefs.”
“So if I ‘Support the Troops’ I also have to ‘Oppose Barack Obama’ and ‘Support Increased Government Spending? Don’t those two cancel each other out?”
“Technically, ‘Support the Troops’ is a Lipservice Ideology and can be bundled with just about any belief out there, and with the way the Republicans are piling on with pork barrel spending, there is almost no difference between ‘Opposing Barack Obama’ and ‘Opposing John McCain.’ In fact, if you want to know the truth the only difference between our ‘Obama 08’ and ‘McCain for President’ products is the package. Although they are each trying to tag the other with extreme positions, they both have virtually the same content.”
“But what if I have a basement filled with ‘Support the Troops’ that I inherited from my father (a distinguished veteran of the Korean War), and I have several cases of ‘Limit the Federal Government’ that I picked up during the Reagan years.”
“Well you will have to trade one of those in. According to the Political Beliefs Police you cannot make your own matches and you must subscribe to the bundles provided by the political parties or else you will find yourself labeled as a fringe thinker which will give you absolutely no currency to purchase any new ideologies in the political economy.”
“This is absurd. Who are these Political Beliefs Police anyway?”
“The pundits, media, outspoken political hacks.”
“What about the silent moral majority?”
“They’ve been a little more than silent ever since the John Kerry debacle when the pollsters got the entire outcome of the 2004 elections wrong by only catering to their own followers. The silent moral majority turned out in droves to vote for George Bush, but since then were shamed and embarrassed by the Political Beliefs Police who piled on based on poll results from those same pollsters.”
“My goodness, I had no idea things had gotten so bad. Who is in charge now?”
“That’s the beauty of it all, no one knows, and everyone is too afraid of all the other baggage they have to take on for standing up for any single idea. But I’ll tell you what, since you have a large family at home I think I can sell you the ‘Fiscal Responsibility’ and ‘Higher Moral Values’ you want, but only if you are willing to buy them with ‘Spay or Neuter Your Pets’ and ‘Recycle.’ Your kids will bring them home from school anyway so you might as well stock up now.”
“Great. I’ll take it.”
“Will that be cash or charge?”
“Put it on my credit card, of course.”
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