McCain or Obama

My wife and I noticed we were running a little low on “Fiscal Conservatism” the other day so she sent me out to the local Ideology Mart to see if I couldn’t pick up a case or two before we ran out.

“And see if you can’t get more ‘Higher Moral Values’ while you are at it,” she said as I walked out the door. “We have teenagers in the house and we really need to stock up right now.”

“Yes dear. I would love to,” I said, happily using some of the “Cooperation” and “Politeness” she had just picked up through a mail order from our Social Contract Catalog.

When I arrived at the market I could see it was busy with its usual hubbub of activity.

The First Amendment aisle was packed. It had its usual confused mix of conflicting customers. On the one hand was a group of men clamoring for their “Rights” to view whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted – but mostly things late at night, at home alone, on their computers; and next to them were their mothers, spouses and respective church leaders purchasing shopping carts full of “Limitations” that would keep the men from actually being able to use those “Rights” – especially late at night, at home, alone, on their computers.

The Education section was busy with a sale on “School Choice” and I saw that “No Child Left Behind” was piled up in the clearance section. “Just like any other bestseller,” I thought, “give it time and it will be moved out for the next cause du jour.”

I noticed the Capital Punishment aisle was fairly quiet (except for the Texas Regional Issues section, of course) and that Medicare was surprisingly vacant of anyone under the age of 55. (You don’t want to know who was hanging out in the “Return to the Gold Standard” aisle some images are just better left unshared.)

“Can I help you?” an Ideology Mart salesperson asked.

“Yes,” I replied. “I am looking for ‘Fiscal Conservatism’ and ‘Higher Moral Values.’”

“We moved those issues into our special combo pack area. You can find them under the Partisan Bundle section”

“Combo pack area? Partisan Bundles?”

“Yes, the Political Beliefs Police have determined certain items can only be purchased in combination packs or bundles and cannot be acquired individually. For example, if you purchase ‘Right to Bear Arms’ you must also purchase ‘Oppose Abortion,’ ‘Pro-Hunting and Sportsmen’ and ‘Anti-Immigration,’ which of course only comes with a healthy heaping helping of ‘Oppose Gay Marriage.’”

“Really, so what is ‘Climate Change’ bundled with?”

“Would that be ‘Belief in’ or ‘Skeptical of?’”

“Belief in.”

“’Belief in Climate Change’ goes with just about everything nowadays, except of course ‘Higher Scientific Standards.’ ‘Skeptical of Climate Change’ can only be purchased in conjunction with ‘Pro-Domestic Energy Development,’ ‘Pro-Corporate America,’ ‘Anti-European Sentiment,’ and ‘Anti Minority.’”

“Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that if I want to be skeptical of Al Gore I have to be opposed to minorities? Some of my best friends are minorities? I happen to think minorities are hurt more by ‘Belief in Climate Change’ than anyone else.”

“I’m sorry, but that is just not allowed. According to the Political Beliefs Police, if you buy one ideology, particularly one espoused by a prominent political party, you have to buy the whole bundle with no exchanges allowed. As the sign says, these are packaged ideological deals, not a smorgasbord of beliefs.”

“So if I ‘Support the Troops’ I also have to ‘Oppose Barack Obama’ and ‘Support Increased Government Spending? Don’t those two cancel each other out?”

“Technically, ‘Support the Troops’ is a Lipservice Ideology and can be bundled with just about any belief out there, and with the way the Republicans are piling on with pork barrel spending, there is almost no difference between ‘Opposing Barack Obama’ and ‘Opposing John McCain.’ In fact, if you want to know the truth the only difference between our ‘Obama 08’ and ‘McCain for President’ products is the package. Although they are each trying to tag the other with extreme positions, they both have virtually the same content.”

“But what if I have a basement filled with ‘Support the Troops’ that I inherited from my father (a distinguished veteran of the Korean War), and I have several cases of ‘Limit the Federal Government’ that I picked up during the Reagan years.”

“Well you will have to trade one of those in. According to the Political Beliefs Police you cannot make your own matches and you must subscribe to the bundles provided by the political parties or else you will find yourself labeled as a fringe thinker which will give you absolutely no currency to purchase any new ideologies in the political economy.”

“This is absurd. Who are these Political Beliefs Police anyway?”

“The pundits, media, outspoken political hacks.”

“What about the silent moral majority?”

“They’ve been a little more than silent ever since the John Kerry debacle when the pollsters got the entire outcome of the 2004 elections wrong by only catering to their own followers. The silent moral majority turned out in droves to vote for George Bush, but since then were shamed and embarrassed by the Political Beliefs Police who piled on based on poll results from those same pollsters.”

“My goodness, I had no idea things had gotten so bad. Who is in charge now?”

“That’s the beauty of it all, no one knows, and everyone is too afraid of all the other baggage they have to take on for standing up for any single idea. But I’ll tell you what, since you have a large family at home I think I can sell you the ‘Fiscal Responsibility’ and ‘Higher Moral Values’ you want, but only if you are willing to buy them with ‘Spay or Neuter Your Pets’ and ‘Recycle.’ Your kids will bring them home from school anyway so you might as well stock up now.”

“Great. I’ll take it.”

“Will that be cash or charge?”

“Put it on my credit card, of course.”